


i've loved in shades of wrong

by worry



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 00:49:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6352255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything in this world has teeth. Everything in this world will try to eat her.</p><p>But Buffy ---</p><p>Buffy is <i> different.</i></p><p>(Written for femficexchange. Prompt: so you were never a saint and i've loved in shades of wrong.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	i've loved in shades of wrong

i. 

 

Faith is a Slayer, a Chosen One, a creature of Holiness. She thinks that she should feel the holiness. She thinks that she should feel special.

 

She only feels hollow.

 

ii.

 

It happens so fast that she doesn't even  _notice_ it -- Sunnydale is eating her. It is only a matter of time before this town eats her, swallows her whole, rips her apart limb by limp with teeth that are so very sharp. She's flesh stuck in between teeth and it's sudden. She's bone grating against bone and it's sudden. She's falling and it's sudden. She's inside of a forest of teeth and pink and it's just so  _sudden._

 

It's like a graveyard, her mind. Her mind is like - biting into something, to suppress a scream. She's alive and then gone and her mind is a graveyard of memories. Oh: here is Faith and she has never belonged. Oh: here is Faith who is being eaten. No one is looking, no one will stop the teeth from biting down. It feels good to bite down, and Faith is -

 

It's not just Sunnydale.

 

Everything in this world has teeth. Everything in this world will try to eat her.

 

And then she meets Buffy. 

 

Buffy ---

 

Buffy is  _different._

 

iii.

 

Faith is a Slayer, a Chosen One, a creature of Holiness. With Buffy, she feels this Holiness. 

 

The want that she feels is painful. It creeps up on her, like being eaten - she  _wants_ Buffy. She never realized that she is a monster that wants. She isn't a monster. She isn't. Because she has Buffy, and Buffy's shadow.

 

She's always walking in Buffy's shadow, making herself familiar with that darkness. She wants Buffy and she wants recognition and she wants them to coincide and - and - and she just  _wants._ The only monsters that Faith knows are the ones that she kills. There are none inside of her, none that scream w a n t, like a wail, like something lingering in the air.  _Want, want, want,_ like being eaten. 

 

It's okay.

 

iv.

 

Her outings with Buffy get more frequent, over time, and with every moment they spend together Faith thinks about --

 

Actually, here's the story: Faith is a knife, a loaded gun. With every moment they spend together, Faith thinks about --

 

Not yet. So here's the story: Faith's fingers are as sharp as knives. Ten little blades on her hands. Five knives shaking on a gun and one trembling around the trigger. So here's the story: Faith thinks that if she lets herself go, her fingers will lose control and tighten and then someone will get hurt. Someone always gets hurt.

 

So here's the story: She spends more time with Buffy, and with every moment they spend together, Faith thinks about --

 

Staking vampires. Sticking the stakes right into their hearts and watching them crumble to dust, into a nonexistence that Faith wishes she could achieve. Her hands cut their way inside of chests and rip hearts out. Then her arms are just covered in blood and entrails and she's just stuck thinking about love.

 

v.

 

Someone gets hurt.

 

vi.

 

Faith loved Buffy - 

 

No, that's not right. Faith  _loves_ Buffy. Loves her so much that she feels sour inside. Loves her so much that she thinks she could learn how to be soft.

 

But it's too late, and she says that she doesn't care. She  _doesn't_ care. She doesn't. She only cares about Buffy. Now everything is tainted, and Faith will never have a chance to be soft.

 

vii.

 

They kiss, once, as Faith washes the blood away. 

 

It's more like this: Faith kisses her when the blood is all but washed away, and -- and - and - and Buffy kisses her back. Faith pretends that she's hungry but all she has ever wanted is this.

 

Faith is the Slayer, the Chosen One, a creature of Holiness. Faith  _was_ a creature of Holiness, but now she is just a poor unsightly thing that has loved too much.

 

She tells Buffy that she loves her. Buffy says nothing back, but kisses harder.

 

This is Holiness, here and now. She can forget about hurting. She can forget about everything.

 

This is  _Holiness._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited to be writing for Femslash Fic Exchange!!
> 
> Also, this is my first time writing Faith, so she may be ooc. Sorry.


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